Thursday 11 February 2010

Decisions, Decisions

Since leaving school in 1994, I feel that all I've ever done is study. I've studied many various subjects such as Business Administration, Media Studies, Environmental Studies, Animal Behaviour, Audio Engineering (to name just a few) as I never really knew what it was that I wanted to do with my life career-wise. There's so many subjects I'm interested in, but when all is said and done and no matter what I study I always end up back to my first love, my first 'hobby' if you like which started at the age of four, and that is.... music.

Deep down I know my ambition in life is to work in theatre in one form or another, mainly as a sound technician. I've done voluntary work as a sound technician at a local theatre, which I absolutely loved. It was in all honesty, the one time I really felt 'at home' doing what I love. So... why have I STILL not done anything about it you might ask? Well, the answer to that question may be easier than I once first thought, it's just a matter of being honest with myself. And in all honesty I suppose somewhere within me, there is a 'fear'. That's the only way I can describe it really. A fear in the sense that I severely lack faith in myself and my capabilities. I mean, I know I can do it, I suppose I'm just plain scared (God that was hard to admit eeek!).

And why am I so scared? The more I think about it all, the more annoyed I get with myself because yet again I let my lack of self confidence get the better of me. I need to push myself, to gain that confidence from somewhere, somehow. I know I can do it, I'll get there it's just a matter of when. And the only way I can push myself forward, is if I get off my backside and do something about it.

What I do know is that I can't continue the way I am, pondering or dwelling on the 'what if's'. Cross those bridges as I come to them, life is far too short I always say. I have a young son too now, so not only would it be for my benefit to make the most of my life doing what I love, also to gain my self-confidence, but it would be for my son to give him a better start in life. I know that some people may say or think 'well you should've thought about all that before' don't get me wrong I did, but circumstances don't always allow and it can be difficult. The important thing is that I'm doing something about it now, which surely is better than doing nothing at all... ever.

So, over the last couple of months I've sat thinking (and yes it did hurt lol kidding), have done my research, searched my soul and have asked myself what it is that I really want to do and I've come to a decision. I'm going to study again, this time for the thinkgs/subjects I really want to study to help me get to where I really want to be.

I start studying with the Open University in May, towards a BA (hons) in Humanities with Media and Music. And you know what? I'm really looking forward to it. Yes, it will take time and yes it may take time before I get a job generally let alone the job I really want but I have to be patient. I know jobs in the theatre are competitive to say the least, and can also be few and far between, but I'm a determined person and will keep on trying. I'm not a quitter.

All those years of study in the past, sometimes I do see as a 'waste', but on the other hand it was all a learning experience of life in general. That's the way I'm looking at it, it's helped to make me what I am today if anything and for that I'm grateful. Now is the time to move on, not dwell on the past and concentrate on my future as a mother, a wife and for a new start career-wise. Studying for this degree will open many more doors of opportunity for me. And in the meantime I'll do the odd bit of voluntary work here and there, if and when I can. Whether it be at local theatres or in charity shops. (* note to self - one day I WILL be a sound technician - keep the faith)

I'll keep you posted ;-)

8 comments:

  1. Hey Mel,
    thanks for inviting me on your blog :)
    Well what can I say GOOD LUCK!
    I am sure that lil Daniel arrival has deffo helped to give you that kick start you needed. It was the same for Ste and I and our love for photography. You wanna be happy and you wanna give your kid a happy parent.
    It doesnt matter if you are a bit grumpy and unsatisfied when you are on your own, it only weights on youyou most of the times isn't it? But then you find someone to share you life and kids come, you wanna set an exampple for them and here comes the courage.

    I am sure that with your enthusiasm you'll achieve what you want lass!
    Don't think of the past as wasted time tho, it was the past that brought you where you are, so just think you made it when you were truly ready for it.
    Nothing ever happens by mistake.

    Now, I hope we will soon find some time to meet with our babas darling cus i wanna have a cuddle at that lil cutie of yours!
    Julia loves kiddies, Babeeh like she calls them, so i am sure she will be thrilled to meet him too!

    Much Love
    Izzyx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well done Mel... fab write up sounded like me in places, but you need to change your affirmation (the bit at the end) From 'I will' to 'I AM'... 'I will' means you'll do it one day if you can be arsed lol but 'I am' puts you there already and tells your subconscious what to bring to you. Plus if you think about it, you already are a sound techie! I have faith in you Mel, you're brill! Julz xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks so much for your kind words Izzy :-) This is just the beginning of the blogs, so please bear with me. I'll be writing more like I say, as and when I can about various issues/subjects etc.

    I wish you well with your photography, something else I've always had an interest in too, but I've never been able to afford to pursue it. It's an expensive hobby, but I'm sure it'll pay for itself once established as a career.

    Also as you know I'm a synthesizer and sound recording enthusiast, but again I've never been able to afford it or any recording equipment so it's been a pipedream really. Drooling from afar I suppose you could call it lol But if I work hard enough, I'd like to think I'll get there eventually.

    And yeah, we really should try to meet up. I've still to meet your beautiful little one, not so little now I suppose though eh? they grow so fast!! I still see my sister's kids as being 'little' and they're all grown up now and a couple of them have their own kids now.... God that makes me feel old... a Great Aunt!!! lol

    Take good care Iz and thanks again for taking the time to read my blog I really do appreciate it.
    *hugs*
    Mel xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Mel, thank you for sharing your blog with me. That was a good read.

    Reach for the stars hun and do what makes you happy!! :)

    I look forward to the next instalment on your journey.

    Andrea xxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks Andrea, much appreciated :-)

    Julz - Thanks for your comments :-) and good point about the 'I WILL' 'I AM' hehe ;-)

    More to come soon folks ;-)
    Mel xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Mel

    Thanks for the invite x Never give up on your dreamx x The hardest part is starting and Im sure that once you put your mind to it you will acheive your goal before you know it and your doing it all for the right reasons 1st and foremost for your self and then for your son, as you said its to give him that start in life and also someone he shall look upto and aim high x x Good Luck not that you need it x

    Adele x

    ReplyDelete
  7. You could have been writing about me there Mel!!!

    One of the things I admire about you though hun is what you said here yourself, you are so determined and not a quitter so I truly believe you will get where you want to be one day. And I wish you the best of the luck with it all :)

    ((hugs))
    Jenny
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks Adele and Jenny :-) Although I must admit, I can't help feeling a bit selfish in doing it for myself also, but I have to... for my own sanity really hehe.

    ReplyDelete