Decisions, Decisions

Since leaving school in 1994, I feel that all I've ever done is study. I've studied many various subjects such as Business Administration, Media Studies, Environmental Studies, Animal Behaviour, Audio Engineering (to name just a few) as I never really knew what it was that I wanted to do with my life career-wise. There's so many subjects I'm interested in, but when all is said and done and no matter what I study I always end up back to my first love, my first 'hobby' if you like which started at the age of four, and that is.... music.

Deep down I know my ambition in life is to work in theatre in one form or another, mainly as a sound technician. I've done voluntary work as a sound technician at a local theatre, which I absolutely loved. It was in all honesty, the one time I really felt 'at home' doing what I love. So... why have I STILL not done anything about it you might ask? Well, the answer to that question may be easier than I once first thought, it's just a matter of being honest with myself. And in all honesty I suppose somewhere within me, there is a 'fear'. That's the only way I can describe it really. A fear in the sense that I severely lack faith in myself and my capabilities. I mean, I know I can do it, I suppose I'm just plain scared (God that was hard to admit eeek!).

And why am I so scared? The more I think about it all, the more annoyed I get with myself because yet again I let my lack of self confidence get the better of me. I need to push myself, to gain that confidence from somewhere, somehow. I know I can do it, I'll get there it's just a matter of when. And the only way I can push myself forward, is if I get off my backside and do something about it.

What I do know is that I can't continue the way I am, pondering or dwelling on the 'what if's'. Cross those bridges as I come to them, life is far too short I always say. I have a young son too now, so not only would it be for my benefit to make the most of my life doing what I love, also to gain my self-confidence, but it would be for my son to give him a better start in life. I know that some people may say or think 'well you should've thought about all that before' don't get me wrong I did, but circumstances don't always allow and it can be difficult. The important thing is that I'm doing something about it now, which surely is better than doing nothing at all... ever.

So, over the last couple of months I've sat thinking (and yes it did hurt lol kidding), have done my research, searched my soul and have asked myself what it is that I really want to do and I've come to a decision. I'm going to study again, this time for the thinkgs/subjects I really want to study to help me get to where I really want to be.

I start studying with the Open University in May, towards a BA (hons) in Humanities with Media and Music. And you know what? I'm really looking forward to it. Yes, it will take time and yes it may take time before I get a job generally let alone the job I really want but I have to be patient. I know jobs in the theatre are competitive to say the least, and can also be few and far between, but I'm a determined person and will keep on trying. I'm not a quitter.

All those years of study in the past, sometimes I do see as a 'waste', but on the other hand it was all a learning experience of life in general. That's the way I'm looking at it, it's helped to make me what I am today if anything and for that I'm grateful. Now is the time to move on, not dwell on the past and concentrate on my future as a mother, a wife and for a new start career-wise. Studying for this degree will open many more doors of opportunity for me. And in the meantime I'll do the odd bit of voluntary work here and there, if and when I can. Whether it be at local theatres or in charity shops. (* note to self - one day I WILL be a sound technician - keep the faith)

I'll keep you posted ;-)